When writing posts for this blog, I’ve been trying to keep each one tied to a subject. I’ve written about how traffic sucks, things that make us feel old, double standards, etc. Then, I sprinkle in my opinions on the subjects, and maybe a little humor here and there. My first post was kind of an introduction to me, but I avoid talking about myself. I generally avoid talking about myself in any conversation. It’s not my nature. But then again, I usually avoid conversing, unless I’m comfortable with you. At any rate, I don’t normally share things about me. It’s really difficult for me. It’s uncomfortable. In this post, I’m going to try to leave my “comfort zone” and share some things about me.
First on the list is about my personality. I am an introvert. Not “kind of introverted;” not an ambivert (combination introvert/extrovert). I am definitely introverted. I went online to the website 16personalities.com. It asks questions to determine your personality type. I already knew I was introverted. It showed me as 100% introverted. I really don’t like social situations. I try to avoid them, but if I’m forced into one, I’ll go, but I require some alone time to recover mentally. I’m socially awkward and extremely shy/timid—I am actually painfully so. That would probably explain why I never had a girlfriend throughout school—I was too shy or embarrassed to ask anyone out (well, I also have a huge fear of rejection, so there’s that). I would also much rather email or text someone than call them on the phone. It’s not to say I like being alone all the time, I just would rather not be in a gathering of people. I think I have people at work fooled!😂
Second thing about me: I enjoy cooking and baking. When I have the ambition and time, I do the majority of the cooking at home. I love making meatloaf, cookies, cake, cheesecake, etc. I wouldn’t be able to do like the “Iron Chefs” and throw together something from a bunch of random ingredients, but I do like to experiment with different recipes. I’ve made my kids’ birthday cakes for the last few years. Recently, though, it’s been difficult to find the time or energy to make those cakes.😢
Number three: last-minute changes-of-plans really throw me off. I like to know when I’m going to do things. I like to have a certain order to activities. I really hate getting told at the last minute that I have to go do something, when I planned on doing something else. It’s absolutely one of my pet peeves.
Something which I’m probably an expert at, and I’ve been criticized for it: I am my own worst critic. At work, I always put myself lower than others in my position. I am always beating myself up figuratively. I’ve always held the philosophy of if I make fun of myself or put myself down, when someone else says the same thing, it doesn’t affect me as much. When someone says something negative about me, I tell them “There’s nothing you can say about me that I haven’t already said to/about myself.” Even if I’m told I’m doing well at something, I don’t believe them. Honestly, I really have never been in a situation where I’ve been praised for something. Maybe I have, but those instances are few and far between. I’ve held jobs where management would never say anything positive to anyone—they only showed off the negative. Never a “good job on this-or-that;” it was always “you missed this or you screwed up on that.” So, I have a difficult time accepting a compliment.
Where I live, I have no real friends close by. I know a lot of people, but I can’t all any of them “friends”. The word friend is a strong word that I think should be reserved for someone close to you. There’s no one I can go hang out with around here. Even if there were, my introvertedness (is that really a word?) would get the best of me. For those of you who can go up and talk to anyone like you’re old friends, I envy you. That’s a big reason why I could never work as a server (not the only reason but a big one out of many). I have a really hard time talking to people, especially “small talk”.🤮
I moved to Utah shortly after graduating high school in 1990. In that time, I’ve actually had the pleasure of being able to see a couple of people I went to school with. It took 27 years to see them, but it was worth it. Other than that, I haven’t had the luck of being able to come across anyone else. I didn’t even get to go to my 20th high school reunion back in 2010, because I didn’t have the money. I don’t know if there will be a 30th reunion in 2020, but I’d love to be able to attend, if it happens. Fortunately, there is social media that helps me connect with many of those old classmates.
I’ve discovered that I walk a lot at work—anywhere between 6000 – 10000 steps. One mile is around 2000 steps, so I walk between 3-5 miles a day. This came about through sheer curiosity. It was a server who first mentioned to me that they wondered how much they walk in a day. I activated the pedometer on my phone, and it says around that range almost every day.
I never understood the fascination for certain television shows, like The Walking Dead, Game of Thrones, or a lot of those series that are on Netflix. I’m probably the only middle-aged man in existence that has no interest in sports. I don’t get into football; I don’t have a favorite team; I don’t know the stats of this-or-that player. I don’t get into the trash-talking of one team or another. I have no real opinion on the whole “taking a knee and protesting” bullshit in the sports world. I will watch a game on a rare occasion. When I do, it’s usually some kind of championship game. I’ve watched a Super Bowl, World Series, League/Division/Conference playoff, or a World Cup game on occasion.
I’ve touched on this subject before: I never had a girlfriend in school. Maybe that’s weird to some; maybe it’s not. Here again I’m an introvert and social screwball. Yes, I had a crush on some girls at school. No, I’m not that big a weirdo. I just never got the courage to ask. One, timidity. Two, fear of rejection for one reason or another. Three, I’d almost bet money that the feelings would not have been reciprocal. Sure, everything is hindsight, and nothing can be changed about that. I sometimes wish I could do like on It’s a Wonderful Life and see what things would have been like had I actually asked one of my old high school crushes out at the time.
Along with being extremely adept at self-deprecation, I tend to overthink and overanalyze things. A snap decision is difficult, if not impossible, for me. I think and think, and think too much before deciding. Many times, I end up overthinking so much that I end up imagining outcomes that will likely never happen. The saying “if you say something to yourself enough times, you’ll end up believing it” is applicable here.
I’m sure there are more I could have mentioned. However, I find it hard to share certain aspects of me. I’d have to be really good friends to do that. That, and it would have to be in a private conversation. Not out in the open on social media.
I have an extremely guarded personality. The walls around my inner self are very high. So high, I think they extend past the edge of the Milky Way (those would be some huge walls!) Maybe this cracks my shell a little more, even if it is an infinitesimally small crack.
It’s been real; it’s been fun. Good night. Be safe. Be well.
Ray’s Rants of the Week 