Okay, everyone. I’ve never been one to sugar-coat anything in my blog posts, and I’m not gonna start now. I’m not going to pretend everything is great in my life. To the contrary, there’s a lot going on inside my head than anyone realizes.
Even though I take my antidepressants, I’ve reached a low point again mentally. Some dark thoughts are trying to creep back in. No, I’m not going to act upon anything I might think of, but that doesn’t stop me from having these thoughts, nonetheless.
Ever since I tested positive for corona back in the beginning of December, things have been a real struggle. Being out of work for two weeks, and not getting paid for that time, as you can imagine, I’ve fallen behind on some bills, and I’m still playing catch-up. My bank account got overdrawn quite a bit, and it’s just now getting back out of the red. Yeah, it’s been rather difficult.
On top of this, there is a lot of stress at home. There are some days, honestly, when, even though I don’t want to stay at work after getting off, I’d rather not go home and face any drama. I do go, however, because I have no place to stay otherwise. It’s not even really one thing at home. There are, as with any household, arguments about money. One of my kids and his mom get into shouting matches frequently, mainly because they have similar personalities and temperaments. When I hear loud voices and slamming doors, my anxiety shoots up. At work, I’ve gotten a little short-tempered again, which I don’t like.
As you’ve probably noticed, my blog work has suffered as well. Not so much the “Rants” page, as I have a few saved posts I can fall back on. My “Ponderings” page, where I used to post daily, scaled back to every couple of days. Now, I’m lucky if I post once a week. My creative mind is suffering with everything going on (along with other things I’ve never told anyone), and I’m literally running out of ideas to write about. I’ve looked up writing prompts and ideas, but even with those, I draw a blank. I try not to repeat topics often, nor do the same thing every time.
I’m in a tough spot right now. I’ve decided that I need to take a hiatus from both blogs for a bit. I’m not stopping completely, but I’m thinking about taking a little break. “Rants” is coming up on 2½ solid years of weekly posts (the last one was #128), and my post count on “Ponderings” is 173. At the moment, there’s no enjoyment—it feels like nothing more than a chore.
Today is the first time in quite a while that, while I won’t do anything negative or stupid, I wished I didn’t exist. I just felt like if I wasn’t around anyone, I wouldn’t be a source of stress or burden on anyone.
It’s a difficult period right now for me. My mental state is not as well as it has been. Not dark like it was before my meds, but not as bright as I’d like it to be. I hope you’ll understand my decision, and I’ll be back to this eventually. I won’t be making any new posts for now. I’ll give everyone a heads up when things improve.
I’m always stalking out on Instagram and Facebook, normally on my personal page. I’m not just disappearing from everything, I just need to straighten some things out to be able to write some more good shit for my blogs. It’s meant to be a labor of love, not laborious.
Until I return to the blogosphere, I leave you my best wishes. Be careful in this ridiculously upside down, backwards, inside out world we live in. Wear your masks where required. Take care of your loved ones, and of course, of utmost importance, be safe and be well.
Ray’s Rants of the Week 