CXLIV – Vengeance is Mine

It is said that revenge is sweet. It is also said that it is a dish best served cold. Does that mean revenge is ice cream🤔🤣? On a seemingly daily basis, we come across people who do stupid, or even downright dirty, things. When those things happen to us, it’s human nature to want to avenge ourselves and get back at the perpetrators. Let’s look at some ways to get back at someone. Warning: please do not really do these things. This is for entertainment only. These activities are petty, and could be downright dangerous.

You’re driving along the highway on your merry way, minding your own business. Behind you approaches rather quickly some asshole. They get right on your bumper and begin to tailgate you. Most rational people slow down to get them to move over. However, there are a select few who will tap their brake, or “brake check” the offending tailgater to get the person to wake up and slow down, or go around. Sometimes this move backfires and causes a rear-end collision. I have seen videos of idiots who try to brake check a semi, and that never ends well. Usually the brake-checker ends up losing that fight.

Some people idiotically brake-check tailgaters. It’s dangerous, downright stupid and, in some states, illegal

With the recent ransomware hack of Colonial Pipeline back east, people are in a state of panic, trying to hoard gas (the toilet paper hoarders of 2020 are back for round 2), causing gas prices to go as high as $7.00 a gallon or more. Undoubtedly, someone is stealing gas from other people. How to solve this dilemma? Buy one of those plastic gas cans and fill it with sugar and water, and just leave it somewhere easily accessible. When the would-be thief steals it and puts it in their gas tank, they’re in for a nasty surprise—and a really expensive repair bill.

Someone wants to steal gas? Good luck. Is it really gas? Take a chance!

Having trouble with porch pirates? I don’t get the thrill of stealing someone’s Amazon delivery, but it happens all too often. To get back at these “wonderful” people, take some dirty diapers and dog shit and wrap them in an Amazon box. A thief takes that, and they may not want to do that ever again.

“Porch pirates” steal delivered packages off people’s porches. Get back at these douchebags by filling an Amazon box with soiled diapers or some nice dog shit

I saw a video of a guy who created an excellent porch pirate trap. He rigged a box with cell phones, a GPS (to catch the thieves’ reaction and to find the box later) and a glitter bomb. When the person got to their hiding spot and tried to open the box, they and/or their car would be completely covered with ultra-fine glitter—the kind that you can’t easily vacuum or wash out. The reaction videos are hilarious to watch.

When you go to the mall, is there someone who is parked like an asshole? I mean, they take up four spots so their precious car isn’t damaged, or they park at a weird angle, taking up multiple spots. There are several ways to exact revenge on someone like this. One way is to take handcuffs or a zip tie, and attach a cart to the door handle. Just make sure you’re nowhere nearby when they show up and that no one sees you do it. If you have the time, you can surround the car with a circle of shopping carts, reminiscent of an Old West wagon surrounded by Indians. People who park like entitled douchebags deserve to get their car either filled to the brim with balloons, covered in Post-It Notes or completely wrapped in one of those big, industrial-sized rolls of cellophane.

Some people are so self-absorbed and entitled they think they can take up two spots when they park. A cart zip-tied to their door handle will give them something to think about

If you and a buddy have big-ass trucks, you can park inches away from the douchebag’s car on either side. They either can’t get in, or they have to climb in through the back. The downside would be if they have one of those higher-end cars that can back themselves up. Scratching the side of an asshole’s car is one way to get revenge, but that’s also vandalism, and it can land you into all sorts of hot water. On second thought, just don’t.

Know someone who parks like an asshole? Just wrap their car in cellophane. That shit is a huge pain to remove!

Cheating in a relationship is absolutely a fucked up thing to do. Some will “turn the other cheek” and try to work things out, albeit with trust issues. Some leave the cheater quietly, while others find a way to exact revenge. You could spray-paint a message all over the car, or you can take and write something on a window. One example I saw was a picture where an SUV had written on the window, “Hey [name], tell your girlfriend your wife and kids say hi. By the way, I drained the bank account. You’re broke!”

If you cheat on your significant other, you might want to change your Spotify password. One guy didn’t, so his ex would go and log in periodically, changing what’s playing to Nickelback. Not only is that revenge, that’s sheer torture.

Donut thief on the loose? Remove the Bavarian cream filling from donuts and replace it with mayonnaise. Absolutely delectable!

Does someone at your workplace keep stealing your lunch or snacks? You could confront them if you know who it is, but for the unknown thief, you can set a delicious trap. And when I say delicious, I mean quite the opposite. Say the bandit has a sweet tooth and loves donuts, especially the filled ones. Take a straw and suck out all the cream filling, and replace it with mayonnaise, or replace lemon filling with yellow mustard. One bite of either will likely break them of the habit. Perhaps the perpetrator likes Mexican food. You can prepare a nice fish or chicken taco for them. Take a tortilla and fill it with cheese, maybe lettuce, and a delectable can of…cat food! Preferably you use something like Friskies, that has the shredded meat. Yum-yum!

That just looks totally appetizing. Not! It’s a great form of revenge: a fish taco made from canned cat food🤢

Okay, one last revenge example. When you receive a Christmas or birthday present that is 100% wrapped in duct tape or strapping tape, give them back a present…encased in concrete.

One guy’s brother wrapped his present in a thick layer of duct tape, so he encased the return present in concrete. That should “cement” their brotherly love

What’s another way you have gotten back at someone? Maybe it’s something you’ve got planned. Share it with me! If you don’t want to be the recipient of someone’s vengeance, then don’t be a jerk to them in the first place. The band War sang, “Why can’t we be friends?” Okay, maybe not friends, but can’t we all just get along?

I hope you enjoyed this post, and maybe got a chuckle out of it. Take care this week. Check on your loved ones, especially the elderly ones. Hug your mom and dad if you can. Please, also, be safe and be well.

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