I’m astounded that my blog has maintained its longevity, with this being the 150th post. Nearly three years ago was my first post of this second and current incarnation, and I never imagined I’d get to this point. When I write a post for this blog, I aim to write around 1000 words—sometimes a little more or a little less—and for special milestone posts, like this one, I post something substantially longer.
I decided this week to make a list, from A–Z, of adjectives that describe me and my personality. Some of these things I’ve never shared publicly, until now. Others are simple common knowledge. Either way, even if you know me, you might learn something new about me. As the video game character, Mario, says, “Lets-a go!”
I was born and raised in the Mormon Church. I even served as a full-time missionary back in the early 90s. However, as time has marched forward, I have moved away from the beliefs I thought I held during that time. I believe I can now define myself as agnostic. By definition, agnostic people are unsure whether there is a God or not. Maybe there is, maybe there isn’t. I sure as hell don’t know anymore. Looking at the world in general, I’m unsure if there exists a being called God. Sure, there is some kind of organization in the universe, but this world is pretty damned chaotic. I mean, if God really loved us, why would it be such a struggle to live each month? Some, like me, live paycheck to paycheck and can’t catch a break to save our lives. We barely are able to pay rent and buy groceries. Meanwhile, people like Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk are out there with billions in the bank. In my case, I just want to live comfortably—not be uber-rich. Maybe God prefers some over others, and decided that some of us aren’t worthy of having a couple hundred in the bank, able to pay all the bills, have enough food and be able to have a little recreation. I don’t know. If this invisible, omnipotent man really existed, and really did love everyone as everyone in Christianity professes, perhaps we’d all be a little better off.
UPDATE: Since originally writing the original draft a couple of months ago, I’m starting to lean away from this and actually believing God exists and that He has His plans for us. Recently, there have been certain events taking place behind the scenes that are bringing me to this realization.
Compared to stories I read online from people I know on social media, mCompared to stories I read online from people I know on social media, my life has been a series of non-events. I never got in trouble in school; I never got invited to any activities. I didn’t even date in high school. My life has always been mainly work and home; I think this has to do, in part, with the fact that there’s never been a lot of disposable income. Most of my monthly income goes toward rent and bills. I don’t even hang out with anyone, nor visit anyone’s house. The last real vacation I had was with my kids to California in 2017.
Especially of anyone in government. Most people are egotistical and are only after what suits their interest. Mostly, altruism is non-existent, and people are untrustworthy. That’s not to say everyone is like this. There are decent, good people out there. They’re just few and far between. George Carlin once said that behind every cynic is a disappointed idealist. Maybe that describes me🤔?
DAD OF FOUR
Okay, this isn’t really a quality, but more of a fact. I have four kids, who currently range from 12 to 21 years old. I love them dearly, even though sometimes they might not think so. Though my marriage was, in retrospect, rushed and probably not the wisest decision I’ve made, I have absolutely no regrets about having my children in my life.
My co-workers tend to be entertained by me when I’m in a good mood. Usually I’m cracking a joke or poking fun at others. I tell them that I only give crap to the ones I like working with, and that if I’m ever quiet for any length of time, then it’s a matter of concern, since if I’m pissed at someone I will avoid talking to them at all, to avoid saying something I might regret. Several co-workers have experienced my silence, and many of them that have state that it’s rather unnerving for me to not say a word.
You’ve undoubtedly noticed from my blogs, I have quite the “potty mouth”. Such a stark contrast from the naiveté of my youth, I tend to swear a blue streak, especially at work. I’m trying to control myself more, especially since I’ve gotten chastised on several occasions about profanity within earshot of customers.
Recently I’ve been improving a little, but I still am emotionally guarded. I have walls around me that go out past the stratosphere. I have an extremely difficult time opening myself up to people. There is no one nearby that I really trust enough to reach out to and just talk to. Very few people have gotten to where I let my guard down for them. If you ever get to see that side of me, it’s because you’re a very special person. I think it’s mostly a defense mechanism to avoid being hurt emotionally.
I believe in doing my job to the best of my ability. I like to leave my station at work the way I like and expect to find it. I despise when people do a half-assed job, putting in minimal effort. Laziness does not belong in the workplace, especially in a restaurant.
I think the dictionary has my picture next to the entry for introvert. I avoid social gatherings, and when I have to be among people, I need some recharge time at home. I’m quite the homebody; I don’t hang out with anyone. I still like to be invited to an activity; I just have to be in the mood to go.
No, this has nothing to do with being a jock. Actually, I am quite the opposite of athletic. Jocular means playful or joking. I try to lighten the mood sometimes by cracking off a joke or something humorous, especially a groan-worthy “dad joke”. I guess lame, eye-rolling puns happen to come with the territory when you’re a middle-aged man with kids.
Oh, how karma is real, and she’s one really huge bitch. Whatever you do to people, good or bad, karma usually repays in double. If you’re nice to other people, someone will eventually be nice to you. Doing good brings good. Doing bad brings more bad. “Squidward, remember your karma.”
I am fascinated by words. Obviously, since my hobby is writing my blogs. Words are interesting in that they provide a concrete form for thoughts. The way some people talk and their word placement drives me up a wall. I’d much rather someone say what they mean, rather than mean what they say. I’m not a mind reader. Say what you want in a clear, concise manner, thank you very much.
I say this, because I am the farthest thing from an open book. I keep to myself, I don’t socialize much, and I have the tendency to keep everything bottled up. Who I really am is a deep mystery—much is stored in my twisted brain that has never been revealed to anyone. Again, this probably is simply a defense mechanism to protect myself, not revealing unnecessary information to people. The best poker players never show their hand prematurely.
I have always loved the night. Perhaps a product of being introverted, I love the dark night. I’ve always found it easier to stay up until 0600 than to wake up at 0600. I’ve worked graveyard shift on multiple occasions. Currently, I wake up around 0700 every day, but not out of choice. School for my youngest son begins at 0745, and I take him every day I can. Normally I work early on weekends. I’d much rather sleep until later than have to wake up early. The whole cliché about early birds is for the birds!
Many introverts share this quality. I tend to think way too much into a situation, or even just think too much in general. I’ve used the expression don’t think, it will just get you into trouble with others, but I think it applies to myself, as well. Most of the time, my overthinking is my undoing, and the scenario ends up turning out not as bad as I had imagined.
Historically, I’m one of the most pessimistic people you’ll see. I’m usually dwelling on the negative; it’s difficult for me to see a positive outlook, or anything positive for that matter, especially when it comes to myself. I’ve been working to improve that, but it’s slow going. Throughout my life, I’ve resorted to self-deprecation as a defense mechanism. That is, if I put myself down really hard first, nothing anyone else could say about me would be worse than what I’d already said. Fortunately, this area of my being is changing. I am focusing more on the positive and much less on the negative, or the things I know I am unable to change. I’m also much less likely to blame myself for shit now.
I’m much more mellow now, since I’ve been taking antidepressants for the last year and a half. I still get upset, but not to the degree I did prior to late 2019. Before that time, and when I forget to take my meds, I had a short fuse and would get frustrated and overwhelmed easily. I made servers at work cry on multiple occasions from my hostility. I’ve never taken my anger out physically on anyone—I’d usually punch a box or slam my head into the nearest hard object.
RESISTANT TO CHANGE
When I’m comfortable with something, I like to maintain that status quo, especially at work. Changes in menu items, recipes and procedures drive me bonkers. Dammit, I’m getting old and it’s harder for me to learn a bunch of new things. I tend to resist at first, but after a while, I end up relenting. Another example is the whole mask thing. At first, I was adamantly against them at work. It’s harder to breathe, my glasses fog up and they’re an all-around nuisance. Over time, I wound up getting used to them. Thank God that now masks are no longer required at work, or at most places, especially since I’m fully vaccinated. When I first learned they were no longer required, I ripped the damn thing off my face🙅♂️.
I have difficulty approaching a random person and talking to them. I do when I absolutely have to, but I try to avoid it. I’ll use the self-checkout to avoid interaction with the cashier. I guess that’s one reason why I never dated in school. I was too timid and awkward to ask a girl out. To this day, if I had to try to date, I think I would be incapable. Small talk is painful and I have no clue how to initiate a conversation.
I don’t remember the last time I woke up feeling really rested. I require an alarm clock to wake me up with an annoying, loud “beep-beep-beep”. It could be due to any number of factors, or a combination thereof. Whether it’s my caffeine intake, the crappy food I eat, introversion or sedentary lifestyle, I really don’t know. All I know is that I’m normally tired, and because of my depression, tired of life at times.
I’ve always had a problem making a snap decision. This goes along with the overthinker in me. I am very self-doubtful, so I constantly second-guess myself. “What if I’m wrong?” is a question that constantly runs through my mind, because I want to give the right answer and not wind up looking stupid.
Born in the beginning of September, I fall under the astrological sign of Virgo. I’ve never put a lot of credence into astrology, but I do read the horoscope occasionally, if nothing else, for a little entertainment.
I say this because I’m always hoping for things in my life which will probably never happen—like being financially stable. Not filthy rich, but I’d love to be able to have a little money in the bank at the end of paying all my bills and buying groceries is just wishful thinking for me (usually there’s too much month at the end of the money). Having a loving relationship has also been wishful thinking. In spite of this and my failed marriage, I am still holding out a sliver of hope that someone who truly loves me will come into my life. I guess a slight chance is better than none, right?
While I don’t have an attraction, per se, to other countries, I am definitely not a xenophobe. I have no problems with people of other nationalities, until they give me a reason to dislike them. Most people of the world just want to live their lives in peace. It’s the bad apples of any given country that give their compatriots a black eye (especially the United States).
I use this word in the context of the synonym of “juvenile”, as in my sense of humor. I can take many sentences and pervert the meaning into something dirty or risqué, as many teenagers tend to do. Perhaps “immature” is more the correct definition🤔?
This is how I have seen myself on a nearly-constant basis; that is, up until recently. Though I have fleeting moments when I actually have a positive self-thought, my existence is usually full of zeroes: zero self-esteem; zero self-worth; zero self-love; zero ambition; zero desire; zero talent. I have seen myself this way for many, many years, usually keeping everything to myself. I haven’t figured out how to change this, nor am I sure my mind would ever allow me to accept self-praise. Thankfully, all this is changing, and I have begun the journey to loving myself. It’s taken quite the discipline on my part, as well as some encouraging words from someone I went to high school with, that I recently caught up with as they were passing through the area.
I’d say that wraps it up for this week. Thank you for sticking with me throughout all these posts. Or, if you’re new to my blog, welcome aboard. Feel free to check out all my other content. My blog is like that line from Forrest Gump: “you never know what you’re gonna get”. Come back next week for more randomness, will you please? Until next week, be safe and be well.
One thought on “CL – The Qualities of One Writer”
Your still a brilliant writer by all means Ray. Thanks for making the thoughts hit the paper so easy to understand. 👍